When people offer me a handshake as we meet for the first time, I look at their outstretched hand so as to acknowledge it. Then I look up, smile, and give them a nice, warm hug.

I don’t do this 100% of the time… but probably 95% of the time these days. The other 5% consists of situations like if I’m all sweaty after a workout when I run into someone and a few other exceptions that seem reasonable to me. But if there’s any doubt, I’ll give a hug.

When you respond to a handshake offer with a hug, you communicate that you like and accept the other person more completely than they expected… and so there’s less reason for them to hold back when they communicate with you. Consequently, they typically open up and share more of their true selves, which is always beautiful to behold.

I’ve noticed that when I do this, even people that might not seem so comfortable with it at first will accept that I must be feeling perfectly comfortable with them, and so the conversation that follows is able to go deeper, faster. A hug creates a very different vibe than a handshake. It’s like doing a completely different opening move in chess that changes the whole direction of the game that follows.

I’d say that perhaps 90-95% of people are completely comfortable in receiving the hug, even when they offered a handshake at first. They may even react in a way that suggests a slight embarrassment that they offered a handshake when I was obviously willing to accept a hug, as if they’re thinking, Do’h… I should have offered Steve a hug to begin with. They recognize that they attempted to raise their shields unnecessarily. So for these people, the hug acknowledges to them that my shields are indeed down, so they can relax because they won’t need their shields either. They have nothing to fear from me and nothing to protect. No degree of conflict is anticipated.

For the remaining small percentage, the hug represents an offer to connect without any need for social shields or formality. Some people don’t feel good about connecting in that way, and so it’s normal for them to feel some hesitation. But I still think it’s a good thing because I’ve let them know that the door is open if and when they’re ready to walk through it. They don’t have to ask or knock.

Most of the people in this latter group just need more time to warm up. Their initial reaction comes mainly from surprise rather than intentional resistance. They just didn’t expect a hug, probably because they’re not used to it. But as they come to terms with the invitation the hug represents, they accept it and enjoy it. Then by the end of the conversation, they give a parting hug freely and willingly, maybe even feeling appreciative that they had a chance to connect in such a delightful way.

Most of the time, but with some exceptions, the people in this latter group are men. I’m sure that doesn’t come as much of a surprise.

On very rare occasions the other person is so shielded that they decline to accept the invitation to open up. This is almost invariably due to past emotional wounds having to deal with trust. But this is pretty rare in my experience, probably happening less than 1% of the time. And even in those situations, I still think the hugs are wise. In those situations, I see my role as being a stepping stone on the person’s path back to trust and security. They may need to receive such offers from several other people before they’re ready to go